Sitting, chatting and enjoying ourselves poolside, I noticed by the look on her face that my friend Kristen was a little disturbed. She was staring at this western man who looked to be about the age of one of our dad's, playing around and swimming in the pool with a young khmer girl, who looked to be no older than 15.  Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I glanced over and assuredly stated, "I'm pretty sure they are father and daughter. Maybe she's adopted..." my voice trailed off.  In my mind, I didn't want to believe otherwise...that this 6 ft western, gray haired man who could easily be mine or Kristen's father...was anything other than a father figure in this what seemed to be 15 yr old khmer girl's life.

".....I really don't think that is her father," Kristen quietly replied. Just then, sure enough, we see the man now leaning up against the side of the pool and the young girl scooting closer into his arms. He then brushed his fingers through her hair and began rubbing her arm.

"Okay, yeah, definitely not father daughter," I said disgustingly as I turned away.

Silence fell between our giddy conversation.

And then the flood of emotions.

The battlefield of my mind, my flesh, my spirit.

Everything in my flesh points to anger, judgment, and condemnation. Everything in my flesh wants to blame the guy, as I'm screaming in my mind, "This is so sick and twisted. I can't watch, yet I want to keep an eye on this girl. What kind of sicko is he?! What is he thinking!? Why is he doing this? This is disgusting! She is a CHILD! How can I let this happen in front of my eyes and not do anything? (and then all of the social, ethical and cultural questions) But HOW can I help her? CAN I even help her? What does that even look like!? It's complex. I can't just "rescue" this girl from the pool, out of this "paedophile's" arms. Does ANYONE else notice this "couple"? What do the westerners think of this (the ones that notice)...what do the khmer think about this!?"

Everything in my spirit points to grace, love and peace. My spirit is allowing me to see this man the way that God sees this man. "He is broken, just like me. The grace that God extends to me, I need to extend to him. There are deeper issues as to why he feels the need to be with this Cambodian child. He is lost. He is empty. He needs love. Real love. The love of Jesus. He is human. Just like me. He is not a monster. He is fallen. And so am I. Lord, help me to continue to see him through Your eyes."

Several minutes of silence go by.

"I just wonder what she is thinking right now. Is she looking around at the people in the pool and the many sunbathers screaming in her mind for help, pleading for someone to notice her, notice her situation, help her...somehow rescue her!?" I rambled on.

"Or is she enjoying this beautiful scenery, the pool, the luxury of everything right now because this is so foreign to her?" Kristen asked. 

"Possibly, yeah. But we both know that even if she is enjoying her time at the pool, I'm pretty sure she still feels trapped. She has to still hate the things that happen behind closed doors..." I replied.

"....I just can't help but wonder what is going through her mind right now," I said aloud as I watched them move from the pool to the Jacuzzi, more secluded from the public's eye.

Several hours pass by, as they move from the pool to the Jacuzzi, back to the pool, and then over to an area sharing a lounging chair and eventually disappearing into the beautiful hotel together arm in arm.

I wish I could say there was a happy ending to what we witnessed; that the man  really ended up being this girl's father. Or that he instantly had a change of heart and took the girl back to where he picked her up from. Or that someone "rescued" this girl.

But unfortunately that's not the case. And unfortunately, this is only ONE in thousands of cases here in Cambodia. Depending on who you talk to, it is even considered a norm.

This isn't something that Kristen and I witnessed for the first time. This is our reality here in Cambodia. We are faced with and witness sexual exploitation on a daily basis. In public. In front of our very eyes. And not just with foreign, white men. The majority isn't even the western men.

The question remains: What do/can you do when you witness this stuff!?

After spending time living in Cambodia the past year and a half and specifically learning about the sex trade, I can tell you that it's definitely not as simple as busting down doors, "rescuing" the girl and being the hero of the day. "Rescuing" girls looks different in different situations. It is not always a matter of the police or detectives getting involved, busting down doors and doing a full on raid of a brothel. Brothels aren't even the only place girls are trapped or enslaved. They are one of many. There are SO many different forms of sexual exploitation here that involve so many complex "solutions" which require wisdom, discernment and high cultural understanding.  

Seeing what I did yesterday between this man and khmer girl just reminded me that witnessing sexual exploitation before my very eyes for the 10^th, 50^th, 100^th or thousandth time is still just as shocking, emotionally and spiritually provoking as witnessing it for the 1^st time.

A reminder of the brokenness in this world. A reminder of my own brokenness.

A reminder of God's love and grace for His people.

And a reminder to extend that same grace and love to those broken around me, no matter what sin I see them caught in. 

Exactly two weeks ago this Weds, I came down with a sudden fever and migraine that kept getting worse by the hour. I went to my doctor the next morning and it was confirmed later that afternoon that I had dengue fever. I must have gotten bit by a mosquito the week prior, which resulted in these sudden symptoms. Usually symptoms appear 7-10 days after getting bit. Ironically, I do not even recall getting bit by ANY mosquitos at that time. 

Unfortunately, there is no treatment or cure for dengue, so when I found out I had it, I was basically welcoming in 10 days of misery ahead..and there was nothing I could do about it. Knowing it was coming, I prayed and rebuked I had it, but when I realized my body wasn't rejecting it, I knew I just had to wait it out. I mentally prepared myself to suck up the next 10 days, knowing it would be bad. I guess I didn't realize how bad it would get.. (ironically 2 of my other teammates got it last year & had different strains of it, resulting in different symptoms - so I wasn't quite sure what I was in for..)

Friday morning I went back to the doctor to get my blood drawn so they could begin to monitor my platelets, as your platelets usually drastically decrease daily in number. When I got to the docs that morning, I was feeling pretty weak and when they took my vitals, my blood pressure was only 40/20...which is near death!! I don't know how I was still functioning and not unconscious..but I was still alive, feeling miserable to say the least. They immediately started the IV and admitted me.  I was not prepared to move into the hospital that day!! I thought I would be there for maybe 2 days, but they ended up keeping me for 8 days.

I was well taken care of by all of the docs and staff, as well as my roommates and friends. I had visitors every day and there was always someone with me in the hospital at all times. The girls rotated the entire week and took turns staying with me. I felt SO loved and blessed...even though I pretty much slept those 8 days away and don't remember much of it. I was so sore from the hospital bed, but the room was big - it had an extra bed, a tv, refrigerator, air conditioning, 2 bathrooms, etc. I was blessed to have a good room for the week!

The symptoms I had from dengue were: high fever for 5+ days (usually between 101-103 degrees), severe migraine, pain behind my eyes, nausea & vomiting, muscle & body aches, back pain, achy joints, shortness of breath, chest pain, abdominal pain resulting in my liver becoming enlarged, itchy rash, low blood pressure, dehydration, low levels of red blood cells, high levels of liver enzymes & extremely low levels of platelets. Because my platelets dropped so low at one point, my doctor starting getting together a list of blood donors so they could do a blood transfusion. However, at the last minute my platelets miraculously tripled in number! Normal platelet levels are between 150,000-400,000 and mine were only 30,000 at one point. Praise God I didn't have to get the transfusion! 

There are multiple strains of dengue. Unfortunately, I had a severe case, resulting in some of the symptoms of this strain.  Another unfortunate thing is that you can get dengue fever multiple times. Infection with one of the four strains of dengue virus usually produces immunity to that strain but does not provide protection against the other strains. And it is apparently worse the second time around. So let's pray I NEVER get dengue again! 

I was released last Friday, in which I was still feeling extremely weak, still had the itchy rash, low platelets and red blood cells - but I was doing much better so they allowed me to go home to rest. Since then I have literally been laying in my bed, resting and sleeping - reading, watching movies, playing guitar & ukulele, but mainly just sleeping. My body is SO fatigued. Usually, the body is fatigued for atleast double the amount of time you had the symptoms - so for multiple weeks afterward. My doc told me not to work or do anything really for the next 2-3 weeks, or else it would result in chronic fatigue.

I am currently on liver medication, praying there is no major or long-term damage to my liver. Today I was absolutely exhausted, and all I did was wake up and roll over - so I slept most of the day. It's crazy how dengue affects your body!

I told one of my roommates the other day that last week in the hospital just feels like a time warp. I don't remember much of it - I pretty much slept that week of my life away.

My emotions have been up and down since being home - home alone all day everyday. God is teaching me a lot about rest and resting in Him. Sometimes I feel guilty for not even reading my bible or journaling or "doing" things to try to get close to God. And He is reminding me that I don't need to "do" anything - sleeping and resting in His presence is simply enough. Laying in my bed for 20 hours a day, doing absolutely nothing, letting my body rest....is enough. I don't have to perform or accomplish anything, even in the quiet of my own room.

Life isn't about what we do or accomplish, it's about a relationship with HIM. So, whether I am resting in Him while running around "doing" ministry, or resting in Him in bed as I feel life is passing me by...it really doesn't matter what it looks like, as long as it's happening...as long as I'm feeling His closeness and presence.

I currently feel like I have ALL the time in the world, and I'm learning to not feel guilty for doing absolutely nothing with all the time in the world I have... 

And just resting in Him. 

Thank you SO much to ALL of you around the world who prayed for me last week and who continue to pray for me. I have never felt the power of prayer so much, nor felt SO completely loved by so many people. Honestly, I was brought to tears b/c of how much all of your prayers have meant to me. When I eventually got online and saw all of your comments, emails and prayers, I was honestly shocked. There were literally hundreds of people praying for me! God has been SO GOOD and FAITHFUL. I've honestly never felt so miserable, yet SO loved at the same time in my life. It's been an incredible little journey. Please continue to pray for healing, rest & for my body to be completely restored back to normal with no internal damage resulting from any of this. THANK YOU...SO MUCH.. from the bottom of my heart. I love you all =)

Three years ago when I was on the World Race, I worked alongside SHE ministry in Phuket, Thailand. This ministry was the first time I really got a glimpse and understanding about the world of sex trafficking and what these men, women and children go through. 

It was as if this whole new lens was placed before my eyes - the lens of Jesus.

Seeing injustice at its peak.

And all my life, I never knew. what. goes. on. around. me.

Just how much suffering there really is in this world.

May 2009 is when I worked with SHE ministry. 

May 2009 is when my heart for women in trafficking was forever changed. moved. and compelled to action.

"Started in 2006, SHE (Self Help and Empowerment) is a Christian charity committed to helping women and children at risk in Thailand, many of whom are trapped in the commercial sex trade. SHE is dedicated to providing employment, vocational training and counseling for women who want to help themselves out of this industry. " - taken from their website

Last month I had an opportunity to go back to SHE ministry. It had been 3 years. And to see where God has taken this ministry was incredible to say the least. They go to places that no one else would dare to go b/c of the potential risk and danger...simply because God has called them. They have since started a mission training school (MTS) which is a 5 month school program consisting of a 3 month lecture phase followed by 2 months of practical training along-side SHE ministries. Incredible opportunity for those seeking to do long term missions! This setup is phenomenal with different speakers from around the world coming in each week!

Last month I was able to meet the first 10 participants in this mission school and even sit in on a week's worth of their lectures (b/c Seth Barnes flew in to speak that week). 

It was like God brought me full circle - a place where He opened my eyes and heart for this injustice and now I am daily working with this stuff. The world of sex slavery has become my recent reality. I'm surrounded by it. 

Thanks SHE ministry for being a ministry that has helped open my eyes to the shocking realities of this world we live in. 

There is something about this world of technology that we live in that makes me appreciate simplicity on a much deeper level than before. There are days that I just love to slip away from my computer, the internet, the world of social media and social networking and appreciate the tangible world around me.

Reading books

Walking along the beach

Swimming

Surfing

Paddleboarding

Coffee with Friends

Family gatherings

Cooking

Knitting and Crocheting

Bubble baths

Walking around the slums

Watching Sunset

Curled up in a chair listening to rain and thunderstorms

Telling stories by a campfire

Hiking

Camping

The list goes on and on.......

There are times when I meet people and I realize they don't own a computer and have a look of confusion on my face when I use "facebook, google, gmail, etc." in my vocabulary. It actually kind of gives me a sigh of relief because then I can just escape from this world of technology, engage in a normal face to face conversation, free from this whole other world of social media that I live in. 

Real life. Happens. Outside of computers. Outside of Internet. Sometimes we have to get away to tune in.

Funny story:

In grade school, I remember riding in the car with my Dad on the way home from school and he said this word that seemed so incredibly foreign to me, "internet." I had never heard this word before and asked him what it meant, in which he explained to me that soon we would be able to access a world of information through this thing called the "internet" and we would be able to contact people from around the world through this "internet" device. I remember feeling so confused after the conversation, thinking this "internet" thing probably wouldn't last and told him, "Yeah I don't think I will use that." I also remember having a conversation with him several years later in which he said the word, "digital camera." What the heck does "digital" mean?! I asked. Why would I want to use a digital camera when I have a camera in which I can develop the film from?!" It just didn't make sense to me at the time. Let's just say that my Dad also told me about transferring over from VHS to DVD's...cassettes to CDs...and CDs to MP3 players...MP3 players to Ipods.

"What the heck is an Ipod!? And why are things constantly changing!? Do they really want to change things every year so consumers are forced to give in to these new technological advances, sucking our money from us?" were my thoughts. "What is this world coming to!?"

Now each of these things are part of my life. Who would have thought!? Definitely not stubborn me who wanted nothing to do with DVDs, CDs, internet or ipods. 

Granted, I'm still far behind in a lot of social media things, which I am very okay with. I don't use twitter. I don't use LinkedIN but get requests all the time for it and just keep deleting them. I don't know what google+ is or why I would need it if I am already using google and gmail..?

I have heard so many good things about Pinterest that I recently caved and downloaded the app on my phone, without having a clue how to use it. Last week, I tried signing up for an account when I realized my only 2 options were to "login as an existing member" or "invite a friend to use pinterest." So, I typed in my own email address and invited myself to join pinterest. I then received an email from pinterest thanking me for inviting myself and that I was put on a waiting list and would be allowed access to sign up soon. After several days of patience and anticipation (ha!), I received access to join! Woohoo! So I signed up yesterday and tried my best to not get sucked into the world of pinterest. I still don't really know how the thing works, but I do enjoy looking at all of the pretty pictures. I even learned how to make my own homemade eucalyptus sugar scrub last night that I greatly enjoyed with my bubble bath.  

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate technology and I'm amazed at how far we've come in such a short time. Actually, it kind of scares me because of how rapid things are growing and changing, that it scares me what kind of technological world my children will be living in. And it amazes me to talk to grandparents these days to hear their thoughts about all of the changes in their lifetime! 26 yrs is not that long compared to 90 yr olds who have seen man walk on moon, tv's and microwaves invented, etc. I wonder what my thoughts will be when I'm 90...or when I'm 150yrs old, still living because of all the medical advances being made. Ha. 

All of this to say, the internet and the rapid advances of technology not only scare me a bit, they make me appreciate face to face conversations, people who still have no idea about the "internet" or how to use a computer. The world of internet and social media has made me appreciate my retreats away from it and the simplicity of life. All of these electronics that I own have tested my patience every time they break down or when they are smarter than me - like today when I went to plug some events into my calendar on my phone and I realized that somehow Google had already plugged in my weekly bible study group (time and location!) into my calendar. Since when do I have google working as an assistant to my life!? I'm baffled. Technology is smarter than me and is organizing my life for me and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that yet...  

Although there are pros and cons attached to the internet and electronics, I am grateful that the internet didn't just die out as I thought it would, the grade schooler that I was. I'm thankful for email and skype - to be able to talk face to face with loved ones around the world..is mind blowing to me! Space age times, yeah? Jetsons coming to life before my very eyes! 

I go back and forth though - I'm grateful to have constant contact with my family as a missionary living half a world away from them, but I also remember a story that my great friend, Noe, told me a few months ago - that when his grandpa left for the mission field...there was a HUGE cost involved..his life. In the early days, missionaries packed their belongings in caskets and went overseas to preach the gospel to die. Noe's grandpa was pretty much giving up his entire life, leaving everything behind to follow Christ. He counted the cost and still left everything behind - a world of familiarity, comfort, family, friends, stability and security. He made a huge sacrifice - he wouldnt be able to contact his family, his friends, etc. When he left for the mission field, his family said goodbye to him...possibly and most likely for good. 

When I left for the mission field, I said goodbye to family and friends...until I skyped them all 2 days later after arriving in country. 

The sacrifice now doesn't seem half as much...

But, I consider things like email and skype, and the internet as a whole a HUGE blessing as long as I don't allow myself to become consumed by them and when I don't use them as a crutch of comfortability, familiarity or a form of escape from the challenges and growth God is having me walk in here on the field.

Thank you God that you provide blessings to missionaries and forgive me for the times I've taken advantage of your blessings. Help me to daily count the cost and leave everything behind to constantly die to my flesh and continue in daily following you. Please keep me outside of comfort, familiarity and distractions that all take me away from You. May my eyes be ever fixed on YOU and not the things of this world, even the *good* things of this world. May things of the internet (facebook, blogs, gmail, google, twitter, etc) be a tool to share of your goodness, faithfulness and love. May these things be a tool to ultimately bring YOU glory and bring people to know Christ.*Amen*

Ahh, reunions...

[reunite: to unite again, as after separation.]

My grandma used to always tell me, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

It's so true. I've been living overseas for quite some time now and recently had several opportunities to be reunited with some of my loved ones back in the States when I was on a home visit:

I planned for months (in my mind) what it would be like to surprise my parents by showing up on their doorstep one day - them very well aware that I live in Cambodia. I got that opportunity this past November when I flew 20 something hours back home to Kona, Hawaii - plan in place, my stepdad as my accomplice and showed up on the beach while my mom was working. In cognito, I walked up to the service counter, video camera in hand, as I ordered food - to which her jaw literally dropped as her eyes looked like they were about to pop out of her sockets. She had NO clue I was coming!!! Oh, her reaction was priceless! Surprise, = a success! We pulled it off! What a sweet [unexpected on her end] reunion that was!

Followed by the next week - Kona Airport, Big Island, Hawaii:

Shifting the weight of my feet from side to side, as a mix of nervousness and giddy butterflies accompany me while I stare at the sliding doors, the only thing separating me from that special guy who is about to magically walk through. I look around at the families and individuals around me, with that same nervousness and excitement, waiting for their special ones to walk through those same doors. Soon to be reunited with loved ones. There's nothing like that extreme excitement and anticipation, waiting for eyes to lock, arms wide open and the sweet embrace of that special someone who has just travelled and flown miles and miles to spend time with you.

Two weeks later, I found myself landing in the Orlando airport, wearily and groggily walking down to baggage claim at 10pm, only to be greeted by the warm, loving embrace of my Dad. It had been over a year since seeing him last. He helped me with my luggage as we walked to his truck, preparing for the hour drive home. Before he settled into the driver's seat, he opened the side door, pulled out a small cooler, plopped it down onto the front seat and started unzipping it. He grabbed the thermos from the cup holder that was full to the brim with coffee and started pulling out the hersheys chocolate syrup, whipped cream and milk from the cooler, concocting a mocha right there before my eyes! I honestly sat in the passenger seat watching him, stunned and filled with SO much love in that moment as he made me my favorite drink to go! Such thoughtfulness and LOVE. As if seeing him for the first time in forever wasn't enough..this was the cherry on top! Thanks Dad! =)

Ahh, reunions.

I often think, "Dang, if reunions with people here on earth are this exciting and amazing...what will it look like to be reunited with my Creator someday!?!?" I can't even imagine what that moment will be like....a taste of heaven IN heaven!? ha - to be reauinted with the One who created us, formed us and knew us before we even knew ourselves! I also wonder how excited GOD must be to be reunited with each of us! 

Oh how my heart and spirit longs for that day...which will hands down be THE most exciting and rewarding reunion EVER.

I've been in the States for a couple months now, on a little break from my ministry in Cambodia. However, I'm heading back there in a matter of days!

I was skyping with my best friend today. We were kind of evaluating my health as well as my spiritual and emotional well-being and I told her that Cambodia has messed me up..in an interesting way. And I don't mean "Cambodia" but the things I've seen and been a part of this past year...

I was explaining to her that it kind of feels like I just came out of battle, as if I was fighting in a war. When you come home, things aren't quite the same. You have a whole new perspective on the "world" and part of you feels out of place even coming back to familiarity (your own country, home, friends, family, etc). It is hard to explain to others what you just came out of and what you've experienced and been through. Unless someone experiences it for themselves, stories somehow really don't do justice..

As our conversation continued on, she started talking to me about the women I've met, the stories I've heard and how hard that must have been, and that's when it all hit me. I couldn't help as the tears started rolling down my cheeks as she tilted her head to the side, gently asking, "Aw, baby what's wrong..?" and I said, "I haven't really even dealt with any of this. I haven't let myself fully go back to some of those places. I've mentally checked out since being home." [And I needed to in order to let my body rest.] 

I then had mini flashbacks of the past 3 years and all that I've seen around the world. Pictures and faces flooded my mind. Time stops for a second as Haiti vividly enters into my mind.

January 2010, immediately following the earthquake. I initially spent 10 days doing some relief work. I then found myself on a flight back from Santa Domingo to Miami in which I slowly looked around the inside cabin, every seat filled. The eyes of many Haitians blankly stared back at me. I was one of very few Caucasians on that return flight back to the States. It hit me like a flood - here I was sitting on a plane surrounded by refugees who were living normal lives 2 weeks prior. Entire families lost, I saw many single people sitting in their seats gripping their passports and visas, the only possessions they had left (besides the clothes on their back) and all that was before them was an unknown future in a country not their own. Starting a new life, leaving behind mass devastation and loss. I point blank asked God before we even took off, "What am I doing going back to the States!? What good am I there!? Haiti is in a crisis right now and I am going home...for what!?" [I ended up buying a one-way ticket back to Haiti several weeks later] 

Back to reality. Skype session. I said to my friend,  "Stac, how can I NOT go back to Cambodia!? Yeah, it's been hard.  I've heard some of the most horrific stories and have built friendships with people who have been abused, tortured, beat up, completely ostracized, rejected, neglected and kicked aside...and it's been one of the hardest, yet most beautiful things I've been a part of. Somehow (in many ways unseen) God is using all of this for His good. How can I not go back!? Not that I'M the solution, but what if it was only for that ONE girl or that ONE boy...wouldn't it be worth it!? I have to go back."

These horrific stories aren't the only things that move me. It's the strength of the fighter that lived to tell her story, sitting two feet in front of me day after day for the past year that compels me. The beauty behind the brokenness and the hope behind the hopelessness.

I know God has called me to Cambodia for a short time in my life. And I'm not gonna lie, it's messed me up in some good ways. It's hard. It's challenging. But SO incredibly rewarding. 

All I keep thinking is, how can I stay home knowing that this stuff is out there? How do you just walk away from this stuff and pretend like it doesn't exist? Once you've seen, you're changed forever. And you'll either do something about it...or you'll pretend you never saw.

I won't ever pretend I haven't seen what is going on in this world.

It's like, once you've seen a glimpse of the Lord or have tasted His goodness, how could you turn away!?

My heart is to fight to keep my eyes fixed on Him. And while God has me there, my heart is to continue to fight for these individuals in Cambodia.  

Sitting on a plane filled with Haitian refugees compelled me to get on another flight straight back to Haiti. 

And currently sitting here in my comfy home as I wonder what my friends, Reaksa, Anita, Ming, Meakara, Dara, and Nary are all doing right now - if they are safe, scared, lonely......compels me to get on a flight back to Cambodia.

You know those periods in life when everything around you seems to be closing in on you? As if you are crawling deeper into a tunnel and that beam of light shining through is narrowing in on you, soon to disappear, leaving you entrenched with the thick of lonely darkness?

Lonliness. Isolation. Withdrawl. Hopelessness. Depression.

I've had plenty of these moments since being home the past 2 months.

Let's just call it what it is: Brokenness.

July 2011. Living in Cambodia. I prayed for brokenness, knowing full well that God would answer my not-so-light-hearted prayer for brokenness. I wanted this depth and intimacy with Him that would create complete dependence on Him. So the only prayer I knew to pray at that time to get me to that place with Him was brokenness.

5 months later: December 2011. Visiting home in the States. Complete brokenness.

Without going into too many personal details at this point, here's what I'll share: 

I've pretty much felt bipolar the past couple months. Emotions constantly up and down. Battlefield of the mind. Fears, doubts, lies, and words of death spoken over me play over in my mind like blaring white noise. 

Take captive every thought. Focus. Fix my eyes on Him. Take captive every thought. Fight. Stand firm. Pray.

Enter the Spirit. Words of truth block out the white noise. Promises flood my mind of the future He has set before me. Peace covers me like a thick blanket. In the presence of my Love.

On and on this goes. Back and forth. Truth and lies. Emotions up and down. Joy and despair.

There was a point I felt so all-over-the place that I cried out to God, "When will I just feel back to my normal self? I'm sick of being depressed, I just want my joy back!"

Honestly, with as broken as I've been, I have not been satisfied in anything other than God. The moment I shift my gaze away from Him, I lose it. There are just too many uncertainties and chaotic things going on in my life right now. So, again, I fix my eyes to Him, as I frustratedly think, "Why is it so hard for me to continually fix my eyes on Him? When I've seen a glimpse, why would I ever want to look away!?"

Then I had a paradigm shift as I thought....

What a priviledge. We get to choose God. Not just once when we make a choice to be in relationship with His son, Jesus. But daily. Hourly. And sometimes (for me lately) every 10 minutes.

Isn't this what God desires!? For us to continually choose Him? To continually put Him above all else in our lives? Our family, friends, marriage, children, routine, habits, addictions...?

He purposely created us with free will, with choice. He didn't create us as robots who would love Him. He wanted us to choose to be in relationship with Him. And it's not a one time choice. It's a daily, dying to self, seeking Him above all else and choosing Him before we choose anything else.

How pleasing it must be for the King of Kings, enthroned in all of His glory, when His beloved child seeks Him and those moments when His child continually chooses Him.

A love that can never be separated.

³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:38-39

This phrase has always haunted me since the moment I heard it. It is a Cambodian proverb:

"Men are like gold; Women are like white cloth."

meaning:

Once a girl is stained, (no longer a virgin), she is never looked at the same. She no longer has any value or worth in society. She is looked down upon and disregarded as a human being by both men and women. She is literally considered ruined and degraded - used goods - pretty much good for nothing.

However, with men, since they are like gold, if they have a stain, it is easily wiped away, never have affecting the original piece of gold - still holding its original value. Much different than that of a white cloth which cannot be cleaned of a stain.

You see, this isn't just a quote or silly Cambodian proverb. It is very much the way of life and belief here in Cambodia. In Khmer culture, women are not valued; in fact they are devalued.

I used to be absolutely haunted and devastated by this phrase. You ask any Khmer girl and they have heard this phrase. But what's more frightening: they haven't just heard this phrase their entire lives, they identify with it. What!? Everything in my heart screams out, "NO! It is not true!! I don't care how many people have told you this or how your entire society and culture points to this as truth..it is FALSE! It is a LIE! YOU have VALUE and YOU have WORTH!! Don't believe them!!" But yeah...it's not quite that simple.

My question from day one of living in Cambodia has always been, "How do you change the mindset of an entire culture or nation!?"

Aren't there things in every society that are engrained in us that are rooted in lies if they are not lies in and of themselves?

Oh and of course, it's not just this phrase. There are many more, such as: Men can be cured of AIDS if they sleep with a virgin. Umm...WHAT!? And this one: Once a woman marries a man, it is understood that she always has a bag or suitcase packed and ready for the day that she cannot stand her husband cheating on her anymore. !!!!!!! This is not okay!!

When is it okay for a young child to be sold for a bag of rice or a small amount of money!?

When is it okay for a young child to be sold by his/her own family member (usually mother, grandmother, aunt or family friend)!?

When is it okay for a woman to think it is okay to sell her body?

NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER!!!!

But can you blame them? When poverty is at its finest and ALL of society and family pressures the women in the household to provide and be the breadwinners for their families...what choices are left for these young girls to make? 

What is the quickest, easiest way to provide for your family? 

What is the quickest, easiest way to provide for your siblings to go to school to get a decent education while you are stuck working to provide for your family, all the while hoping not to repeat the cycle of poverty that inevitably will not ever go away!? 

Unfortunately, selling one's body. Or selling your own child.

It's sickening. It's devastating. And it's the reality of the women and children I work with every single day. It is also the reality of my dear friend who I met in the bars several months ago. 

I just cannot fathom these beautiful and precious Cambodian women living in such filth and lies their entire lives. It is so devastating.

However, the longer I think about all of this, I am constantly reminded of a man who was mocked, ridiculed, cast out of society, alienated and stained. Is it not ironic that Jesus went through much of the same things we face!? HE became stained - in OUR place. 

He bore ALL of our sins. Not just yours. Not just mine. But the weight of ALL of the sins of EVERY person. I try to sit in that for a moment and yet I still can't even fathom that at this point...

That is an incomprehensible amount of sins...SO much weight and enough of a burden for Jesus (who is both human AND god), moments before his death, to find himself alone for a moment in time crying out to His Abba Father, sweating tears of blood, asking God to take this 'cup' away from Him...IF it is His Father's will....which in His heart, Jesus was so in tune with the Father that He knew he had to go through with this death...(Luke 22:42-44) to save all of mankind...because that is just how much God truly loves us..that He would send His one and only son to literally die for us..and not a peaceful death in His sleep like we all envision and hope our lives will peacefully end. No...!! A horrific, painful, outright nasty death. All to show the unconditional love that God has for his sinful children who He desires to be in relationship with. 

Now that's a lot to take in... 

I am humbled beyond belief as I'm reminded of God's love and Jesus' obedience and this one shot at life that God has blessed me with. 

To come to realize that I am currently alive and breathing as I'm typing this blog, all so that I can worship the One who created and loves me. I have purpose in this life and God has plans for my life...all pointing back to Himself so that HE is glorified..not me. Not you. Not anyone reading my blogs. Not anyone in my life. Not my friends, nor my family. HE is the One who gets the glory. HE is the Creator. 

He created ME (and you!) for HIMSELF....

(I know we hear it all the time and some people don't like to admit it, but honestly the TRUTH is that NOTHING about this life here on planet Earth is about YOU or ME! It's all about HIM. We were created to worship and glorify Him. That's what this life here on earth is all about. Nothing less.)

Through all of this and through the Cambodian culture that I have been living in for the past year, through the many horrific stories of the many women that I have been ministering to, I am no longer in a state of hopelessness and despair.

This Christmas I am reminded of Jesus' love for these women, this nation, and all nations, and His love for me.

His Death...

His Resurrection...

And His Coming...!

"He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God. The armies of heaven were following him, riding on white horses and dressed in fine linen, white and clean..." - Revelation 19:13-14

Her name is "Sreypow" (name has been changed). Her silky straight dark hair falls neatly as her smile is plastered across her face. She is 27 yrs old.

I met her in the red light district of Phnom Penh last night.

Sreypow stood in front of me with the tall white haired foreign man (in his 50s?) standing close by her side. They were on their way to get beer together....(atleast that is what she told me).

At first I was hesitant to start speaking Khmer to her, so I stood back to observe and to pray as the guys in my group talked to the man and another guy that came up. There were 9 of us standing together chatting.

Then....I decided it was time.

"Bongsry, chmoouh aye?" Miss, what is your name?

"Knyon chmoouh Sreypow." My name is Sreypow.

And our Khmer conversation began...

I spoke with her for the next 30 minutes and she began opening up to me in her heart language. Although she could speak some phrases of English because of working at the western bar across the street, she found comfort in speaking Khmer with me.

"How long have you been working at that bar?" I asked as I pointed across the street.

"Four months" she replied.

"Do you like working there?" I asked.

She half smiled as her head hung low, "No. But I need to provide for my family."

I slowly nodded and said, "I understand."

"My mother doesn't know that I work at a bar. When I bring home money, she always asks where the money comes from and I tell her from the customers in the restaurant I work at" she stated.

"If your mother knew what kind of work you do, how would she feel?" I asked.

Sreypow responded, "She would die."

"If money was not a problem and you could have any job that you wanted, where would you work or what would you do?" I asked Sreypow.

"I would be a teacher and teach little kids," she replied with a big smile.

"Did you go to school when you were younger?" I asked.

She responded, "Yes, I studied through grade 12."

"Oh! So you could be a teacher if you wanted! You are educated." I said.

"Yes, I used to teach before I came to work here at the bar," she said. "But now I need money to provide for my mother because she is 60yrs old and she is very sick. She has heart problems."

Sreypow went on to tell me that her father died when she was a small child and that she had no other siblings. This is almost unheard of. On average, most Khmer families have atleast 5 children. She told me a lot more about her life and how she met a foreign man earlier this year who fell in love with her and bought her many gifts. He went home but will come back to be with her for two weeks next month. She is masked by this so called "love." 

Because of the pressure from family and society, most women in Cambodia are forced into or sold into the sex trade to provide for their families. Women are the providers in this culture.

Sreypow is trapped in a world of most women here in Cambodia...

Cambodian society and culture says that..

Women have no value. Women have no dignity. Women are the providers for their family. Women are like white cloth and men are like gold. White cloth can easily be stained and gold is always shiny and perfect. Women do not have a voice. Women have little to no rights. Women are disposable.

In Jesus culture...God says:

Women have value and are valued. Women have worth. Women have dignity. Women are loved. Women have a voice. Women have dignity.

Thank you God, that after 11 months, You allowed me to have a heart to heart conversation with your precious daughter last night...in her heart language. Please protect her and help her to know that despite everything that her culture tells her....she is loved. She has value and worth. She is the daughter of the Most High KING! She is a princess and she has an inheritance awaiting her. I pray that she comes to know You, Lord.